its my first night trying to sleep after you are gone…

there is no more cutecute voice in my ear…

i can’t sleep…

i miss you…

有一些感情, 你會預知一輩子可能再也沒有第二個了.

記得上次在你面前讀這本你買給我的書的時候,我很感動..

其實在這段時間,我們之間建設的感情一直都在變化,

說了好幾遍,我一直都沒有後悔為了我們犧牲的那一切

現在我們到了這個轉捩點,

可真是一個感情的考驗.

考驗我們能否經得起時間,距離,時差,誘惑 的挑戰.

我們一直對未來有著很大的希望…

我真的真的很想跟你走這段路…

所以我們一定要樂觀面對,應接著這些考驗.

我相信我們可以

haven’t finished!but v sleepy… continue tomorrowwww

即便大家已經有了自己的生活圈,

但是偶爾相見, 談談往事,

有說有笑, 談笑風生,

不僅能夠讓大家的感情再次受到彼此的肯定,

是一種無法形容的體驗!

好久好久沒有用中文表達自己了…

種是覺得自己的母語是最有詩憶, 最能夠表情達意的抒發工具.

上週…真的是…事事不順心…

感到一種對自己深深的一種怨恨…

恨自己那麼沒有奮鬥力,

恨自己失去了那種堅定的視野..

恨自己差點做出了一件可能會讓我後悔好久,好久的一個蠢事…

但現在,我正在努力 加油吧!!!

雖然如此,但是我還是對另外一件事有一絲心動.

對此, 我真的感到心悸…

開始對自己失去信心

即使到了此刻,

我竟然還縱容自己,

允許命運為我做出決定.

但至少,

我知道,

最後的抉擇,

還穩穩地握在我的手掌心

所以之後的一切一切,

我對自己發誓,

絕不後悔!!!

我熱愛生命

我一隻對蔡康永的書籍感到興趣…

昨天在一次偶然巧妙的機會下,

在經濟與時間的允許內,

我獲得了三本他的書籍!

包括了”有一天阿,寶寶…”他對小S的寶寶女兒寫的一些散文短篇

i love page one!

在那裡遇到了一個好就沒見的人!

也在有些程度上,

激發了我對國與的熱衷

不知道生命會帶給我怎樣的機會…

好期待!!!

之後,我會慢慢地寫出我對我所提會的,

我所讀到的,

我所感受的,

我所經過的,

我所回億的.

the past 2 days have been emotionally unsettling ones, but I have to say that the above form a recipe from recovering from an unsettled heart.

having someone that i love care for me and standing by me, talking me out of self denial,

losing a worldly entity which seemed so important but now seems not to matter,

gaining new insight and feelings on life,

understanding the world that little bit more

music to seal these wounds and place a pause at the end of this chapter..

that music happens to be contained in a nice borrowed cd by mozart/sabine meyer/abbado/berlinerphilharmoniker, the Klarinettenkonzert..

i appreciate whatever i have been given and whatever has been taken from me

my little burger!

i have only 67 days left to spend with my hanbaobao…

after all that happened over the past few years to build up to this, i’m really really glad that things turned out as well as  they did you turned 19 recently! preparing for your 19th birthday was really quite a challenge… because i know it probably won’t be as easy celebrating the next few birthday in person with you again.. but then, you never know right? i might just appear by your side suddenly! yay i love to give you surprises!

reading your most recent blog post, i was really moved by you… and it really made me envy the amount of love that you receive! i’m glad that you are a loved and blessed girl and i’m so happy to be one of the people that can continuously shower and protect you with this cushion of love! so lets continually grow stronger and hold hands down this long path

yay! i will remember the cruise with our family forever!

—————————————————————-

i’m really thankful for the happenings over the past 2 years that has somehow changed my life for the better… there are some things that happened that seemed to be so tough to go through. I’m glad that there were people around me to pull me up and get me to move on.

saying prayers and listening to you say prayers for us really makes me feel that all that has happened to us is testament to the blessings that have been showered upon us. i dare not say that i am a true believer now, but i have to say that i am starting to open up to this again, and i’m thankful that you have brought me to your side of the world so we can spend the rest of time together..

regarding a distant friend’s recent post on karma, really don’t know how much karma is required in exchange for all the things that have been betrothed to me by this life.

to be surrounded and loved by the people that i love,

to have friends that care for me,

to have been given this brilliant vocation in ns,

to be given the scholarship that i always thought was too far from my reach,

to be given a chance to attend a school which i thought was impossible to go to,

to be given a chance to sit in the driver’s seat,

to be given good health,

to have blessed loved ones,

to have this beautiful mind that continually talks to me.

my mind talks to me in an acutely schizophrenic manner, but calms me in the most anguishing situations, talks me out of doing the most evil things that i am ashamed of concocting myself.

i treasure it

yay i listen to you!

i was puzzled, but i have to say that yesterday’s early morning bus ride to camp was unforseeably crazy. my mind was full of thoughts. the initial elation and disbelief then the reality and decisions having to be made kicked in.

that was after i read my stanford admission decision email on my e61 using “borrowed” wifi at the busstop waiting for the bus 51 i just missed.

why me? why would i have fallen into that 7.2% acceptance statistic! my sat scores, essays, portfolio and testimonials weren’t that outstanding i would have thought… i would have been grateful to just have been waitlisted! but watching videos and reading up more on stanford today made me feel that many others are asking the same question as me.. and its up to me to give an answer to that question..

there very well might have been some divine intervention between me and the stanford admissions department.. but i’m glad it happened… now i really just hope that you will be in the states with me and i can visit you often…

It has been quite some time since I last spoke to him. These 22 months seem to be the perfect time to lose yourself and find it again. Talking to yourself might seem like a crazy thing to do…but who doesn’t do it? I used to do it all the time. I talk to the “him” in myself through writing and I’m glad that I am doing it again. Sometimes it almost becomes an over-reliance – bit a healthy one at that! People often overlook the fact that the most credible shrink dwells in nowhere but within. Talking to myself is therapeutic in the sense that it helps me discover a side of me that I would probably never have known had existed. A good natured person nurtured through a constantly recurring voice resounding through my head.

Perhaps it has been a little too long since I lost the skill. Adolescence seems like a short path when you are at the end of it, but in actual fact, it is a quarter of my life. Lots has changed since I first begun talking to myself. I remember starting a blog titled “Clarence’s path to self enlightenment” 6 or 7 years back. How well put! That is precisely what talking to myself brings me…thus veering too far from this path isn’t particularly wise. I shall try to keep this in mind and hope the rummaging fiend – the true self – does not keep me from it. Its about time to close a chapter in my life and begin this transition to adulthood. I have been wanting to do this self reflection since ages ago, but I guess really getting down to doing it marks a point in my life..

7 years ago was when I felt my time as a child was ending. Sometimes I do miss it, the self indulgent times of endless imagination and happiness. To a certain degree still, I still feel that happiness is the major motivating factor to continue life. Things have changed over the course of time. I have taken on countless renditions of this character of mine, being the hypocritical self. I dare not speak for all, but my belief all along is that us homosapiens – the lesser mortals – are fundamentally hypocritical beings. Putting on facades of character, outlook and communicating to vie for whatever they deem most beneficial to them in achieving their goal in life. Of course, everyone has a different goal that they want to achieve in this span of resource-reliant phase of our spiritual journey… what complicates this further is that the goal happens to change over different phases of life. I feel that my personal goal is happiness..but a selfish happiness it nonetheless is.

The voice in my head that used to convince myself to adhere to what is deemed morally upright and socially responsible has faltered over this course of 7 years. It has conformed to the temptations of immorality and the seduction of the putrid. People often say that the adolescent years are crucial in shaping the character of a person. And certainly at these crucial last few moments of my transition to adulthood, I do not wish to take on a lifelong character that would not help me achieve my goal in life. Trying out these different facades of character has made me confused, yet cleared the fog about what it takes to become likable, socially fitting and most importantly the hefty price that it puts on the soul. Of course having a voice in your head all the time seemed edging on the border of schizophrenia. That was the rationale of me trying to get in out at that point in my life. But it had been precisely that which had been acting as the clutches and the mould that would lead me to my goal, and it would have been such a pity for me to give up such a brilliant friend. Hell, even falling into the depths of being a lifelong schizophrenic might have been worth it. Right now, the faint voice tells me that alterations to my character have to be made in order to point me towards my aspired life.

Struggles…who doesn’t go through them? I have had many struggling phases in these 7 years. After every cycle of struggling, an outcome arises that often reminds me of a lower state of psychological entropy – the indulgent phase of life. Then, another phase of struggle arises and puts up an even greater fight this time. Such are the nuances of life. But this is a beautiful cycle if appreciated. Every phase can be cherished and happiness can be extracted from everything that happens, however repetitive the events that life throws at you can get. I’m happy to be in a struggling phase now. I’m happy that its hard to fight off this.. and I’m really glad that there are greater struggles waiting for me further down this path, and I know its coming.

I admire people who do not conform to the standards of society. I know a few people that I can comfortably say are truly weird and deep down, I respect them. I have a faint feeling that even though they might be inherently ostracized by the society, the rest of the people respect them too and the dislike might be fuelled by a certain compound made up essentially of envy. Perhaps this should be a good direction to veer to? Well, if it will help me to achieve my goal – why not?

Having ventured into the deeper end of religion these past 2 years, I have to say that I am still not entirely convinced of this belief that has convinced millions. Though having been to church, I am still fundamentally atheist. I yearn for the truth, and Christianity just isn’t convincing me at the moment. I do not disrespect the institution that has morality and love at its roots, but somehow I cannot convince myself that it is the way. I might be condemned afterlife for being me. Nonetheless, I do not rule out the fact that at some point along my path, I will be bought over by the truth as I deem, and I might change my mind. Convince me please? All this seems like an elaborate tale to me. Then again, this might be another Wachowsky brothers Matrix situation that seems to be a general statute to all situations we find ourselves stuck in.

Relationships and lifelong companionship is something that I have had in mind for a long time, but things don’t seem to be working out according to my ideals now?

Being the screwed up person that I fundamentally am, I long for my clutches to come to my aid. One year later, I will do an AAR (after-action-review) to see how I have changed – will I? Clarence will try his best!
This year is one of self discovery. Before I get out of these 22 months, I will set the a direction in life and a main guiding principal which will point me the right way. That is deceitfully intricate thing to do…the path to self enlightenment.

Thanks for coming back, crazy self

i wasn’t out with friends in the last few moments of 2008 and the first few of 2009… and this choice was made because of reasons unknown to me, but i guess i just wanted to be alone too.

2008 has been such a remarkable year in my life. though there were so many saddening things happening around the world and media coverage on natural catastrophes, extremist acts and economic downfalls seemed to come without a halt, i really glad and proud to say that i feel that i achieved some things in this past year when i was 18. i never did think that i could ever get a scholarship – and i surprised my parents and myself when i managed to be accepted to a couple of them. i made plenty of decisions which would invariably affect the coming 10-20 years of my life and i think the current status of my life is one in which i am continually attaining skills and knowledge that would really aid me in the rest of my life. it feels like it is just beginning. are you feeling this way too? because it feels great, and i just cannot wait for this journey to begin!

others might be very sceptical and negative to this matter, but i am certain that you are the one for me too =] it has been almost two years and i have never ever been so sure of this matter before… i also cannot wait for our journey to truly begin!

i wanted to do music in the past, but i think over the course of 2007 – 2008, i have gradually changed my mindset and “cowardly” given up my dreams for one which is seemingly more prospectful and acceptable. this has been something which was bugging me subconsciously and continually for the past few years, and it really mattered to me because it was sort of an internal battle within myself, between a childlike idealistic ambition and a choosing a path which was more of representative of the responsibility to the people around me, the people that i love with all my heart. this would probably be something that i would think about in the later years in my life – or maybe i would just lose the whole ambition… but this is certainly a part of me which i treasure wholeheartedly and represents more than just an ambition…because i feel that i am no longer myself when i no longer can express myself through music. i certainly do not want to starve and feed my body with only creative expression in the future, but continuing my passion in the future, albeit in smaller dosages, would be my current plan. i am quite glad with this thought and it is what i believe is the best compromise without compromising anything precious to me except probably, time. when the RCM London 2009 undergraduate prospectus arrived in my mail today, i just started to think about the choices i made in the past years and why they led me to where i am now. i am not regretting and i will not regret, because i am still giving up a few hours a week to feeding my childhood ambition. maybe one day it would grow strong enough to support me and my family well, and maybe this day would never come, but i will never regret no matter what happens.. this is a promise i make to myself in taking this path. i flipped through the prospectus and kept it on my shelf. i probably will not flip through it again..

i feel that i would let down my teacher, who on the first lesson already started drawing up this career plan for me. all i could think about at that point in time, was how to open my mouth and tell him that i have signed a scholarship for engineering and will spend the first 6 years of my working life in an organization that couldn’t have anything less to do with the institution of music. i am glad that i told him my plans over subsequent lessons… i have had many inspiring teachers over the years since i was opened up to the professional performing world, and i would have to say that my current one could have been the best one i ever had. i am thankful to have such a teacher to grace my music and guide me down this weird path towards nowhere. this path that does not lead to professional musicianship…neither does it lead towards hobby music making.

religion has been something which i had been avoiding for some time. though i had accepted Christ in the 2nd half of 2007, i have to say that i wasn’t the best of Christians in 2008… not going to church for over a year and all.. things are really complicated and i have to admit that there is a part of me which is Christian, yet there is an overpowering part of me which is aethist. i hope that i can be guided to the right path through any means… and all i need is time.

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.

He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.. I inquired as to her health.He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every
morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,’She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,’That is the kind of love I want in my life.’

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be,and will not be.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

‘Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain’

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise, oh
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

pardon the plagiarism of mccartney’s lyrics, but this is a beautiful song..which i spent one afternoon learning the guitar tabs! inspired by the escalating racial tensions in america, mccartney wrote it in 1968…

listen to it!

knowing what the lyrics were actually meant for, the song suddenly seems so much less trivial.

for the third day in a row, i looked at the clock on my phone and it read

“22:22″

how queer!

that apart, its been quite a long time since i last blogged..had a pretty busy month of june and july. time seems to fly when i’m doing something i love! its already coming to the end of july… university applications are starting and i guess its time to do all those tedious applications! but for a great and fruitful 4 years after my ns, its definitely worth it =]

go for it! no procrastination!