adolescence and the art of going crazy

It has been quite some time since I last spoke to him. These 22 months seem to be the perfect time to lose yourself and find it again. Talking to yourself might seem like a crazy thing to do…but who doesn’t do it? I used to do it all the time. I talk to the “him” in myself through writing and I’m glad that I am doing it again. Sometimes it almost becomes an over-reliance – bit a healthy one at that! People often overlook the fact that the most credible shrink dwells in nowhere but within. Talking to myself is therapeutic in the sense that it helps me discover a side of me that I would probably never have known had existed. A good natured person nurtured through a constantly recurring voice resounding through my head.

Perhaps it has been a little too long since I lost the skill. Adolescence seems like a short path when you are at the end of it, but in actual fact, it is a quarter of my life. Lots has changed since I first begun talking to myself. I remember starting a blog titled “Clarence’s path to self enlightenment” 6 or 7 years back. How well put! That is precisely what talking to myself brings me…thus veering too far from this path isn’t particularly wise. I shall try to keep this in mind and hope the rummaging fiend – the true self – does not keep me from it. Its about time to close a chapter in my life and begin this transition to adulthood. I have been wanting to do this self reflection since ages ago, but I guess really getting down to doing it marks a point in my life..

7 years ago was when I felt my time as a child was ending. Sometimes I do miss it, the self indulgent times of endless imagination and happiness. To a certain degree still, I still feel that happiness is the major motivating factor to continue life. Things have changed over the course of time. I have taken on countless renditions of this character of mine, being the hypocritical self. I dare not speak for all, but my belief all along is that us homosapiens – the lesser mortals – are fundamentally hypocritical beings. Putting on facades of character, outlook and communicating to vie for whatever they deem most beneficial to them in achieving their goal in life. Of course, everyone has a different goal that they want to achieve in this span of resource-reliant phase of our spiritual journey… what complicates this further is that the goal happens to change over different phases of life. I feel that my personal goal is happiness..but a selfish happiness it nonetheless is.

The voice in my head that used to convince myself to adhere to what is deemed morally upright and socially responsible has faltered over this course of 7 years. It has conformed to the temptations of immorality and the seduction of the putrid. People often say that the adolescent years are crucial in shaping the character of a person. And certainly at these crucial last few moments of my transition to adulthood, I do not wish to take on a lifelong character that would not help me achieve my goal in life. Trying out these different facades of character has made me confused, yet cleared the fog about what it takes to become likable, socially fitting and most importantly the hefty price that it puts on the soul. Of course having a voice in your head all the time seemed edging on the border of schizophrenia. That was the rationale of me trying to get in out at that point in my life. But it had been precisely that which had been acting as the clutches and the mould that would lead me to my goal, and it would have been such a pity for me to give up such a brilliant friend. Hell, even falling into the depths of being a lifelong schizophrenic might have been worth it. Right now, the faint voice tells me that alterations to my character have to be made in order to point me towards my aspired life.

Struggles…who doesn’t go through them? I have had many struggling phases in these 7 years. After every cycle of struggling, an outcome arises that often reminds me of a lower state of psychological entropy – the indulgent phase of life. Then, another phase of struggle arises and puts up an even greater fight this time. Such are the nuances of life. But this is a beautiful cycle if appreciated. Every phase can be cherished and happiness can be extracted from everything that happens, however repetitive the events that life throws at you can get. I’m happy to be in a struggling phase now. I’m happy that its hard to fight off this.. and I’m really glad that there are greater struggles waiting for me further down this path, and I know its coming.

I admire people who do not conform to the standards of society. I know a few people that I can comfortably say are truly weird and deep down, I respect them. I have a faint feeling that even though they might be inherently ostracized by the society, the rest of the people respect them too and the dislike might be fuelled by a certain compound made up essentially of envy. Perhaps this should be a good direction to veer to? Well, if it will help me to achieve my goal – why not?

Having ventured into the deeper end of religion these past 2 years, I have to say that I am still not entirely convinced of this belief that has convinced millions. Though having been to church, I am still fundamentally atheist. I yearn for the truth, and Christianity just isn’t convincing me at the moment. I do not disrespect the institution that has morality and love at its roots, but somehow I cannot convince myself that it is the way. I might be condemned afterlife for being me. Nonetheless, I do not rule out the fact that at some point along my path, I will be bought over by the truth as I deem, and I might change my mind. Convince me please? All this seems like an elaborate tale to me. Then again, this might be another Wachowsky brothers Matrix situation that seems to be a general statute to all situations we find ourselves stuck in.

Relationships and lifelong companionship is something that I have had in mind for a long time, but things don’t seem to be working out according to my ideals now?

Being the screwed up person that I fundamentally am, I long for my clutches to come to my aid. One year later, I will do an AAR (after-action-review) to see how I have changed – will I? Clarence will try his best!
This year is one of self discovery. Before I get out of these 22 months, I will set the a direction in life and a main guiding principal which will point me the right way. That is deceitfully intricate thing to do…the path to self enlightenment.

Thanks for coming back, crazy self

~ by chio on March 20, 2009.