what a new year means to me

i wasn’t out with friends in the last few moments of 2008 and the first few of 2009… and this choice was made because of reasons unknown to me, but i guess i just wanted to be alone too.

2008 has been such a remarkable year in my life. though there were so many saddening things happening around the world and media coverage on natural catastrophes, extremist acts and economic downfalls seemed to come without a halt, i really glad and proud to say that i feel that i achieved some things in this past year when i was 18. i never did think that i could ever get a scholarship – and i surprised my parents and myself when i managed to be accepted to a couple of them. i made plenty of decisions which would invariably affect the coming 10-20 years of my life and i think the current status of my life is one in which i am continually attaining skills and knowledge that would really aid me in the rest of my life. it feels like it is just beginning. are you feeling this way too? because it feels great, and i just cannot wait for this journey to begin!

others might be very sceptical and negative to this matter, but i am certain that you are the one for me too =] it has been almost two years and i have never ever been so sure of this matter before… i also cannot wait for our journey to truly begin!

i wanted to do music in the past, but i think over the course of 2007 – 2008, i have gradually changed my mindset and “cowardly” given up my dreams for one which is seemingly more prospectful and acceptable. this has been something which was bugging me subconsciously and continually for the past few years, and it really mattered to me because it was sort of an internal battle within myself, between a childlike idealistic ambition and a choosing a path which was more of representative of the responsibility to the people around me, the people that i love with all my heart. this would probably be something that i would think about in the later years in my life – or maybe i would just lose the whole ambition… but this is certainly a part of me which i treasure wholeheartedly and represents more than just an ambition…because i feel that i am no longer myself when i no longer can express myself through music. i certainly do not want to starve and feed my body with only creative expression in the future, but continuing my passion in the future, albeit in smaller dosages, would be my current plan. i am quite glad with this thought and it is what i believe is the best compromise without compromising anything precious to me except probably, time. when the RCM London 2009 undergraduate prospectus arrived in my mail today, i just started to think about the choices i made in the past years and why they led me to where i am now. i am not regretting and i will not regret, because i am still giving up a few hours a week to feeding my childhood ambition. maybe one day it would grow strong enough to support me and my family well, and maybe this day would never come, but i will never regret no matter what happens.. this is a promise i make to myself in taking this path. i flipped through the prospectus and kept it on my shelf. i probably will not flip through it again..

i feel that i would let down my teacher, who on the first lesson already started drawing up this career plan for me. all i could think about at that point in time, was how to open my mouth and tell him that i have signed a scholarship for engineering and will spend the first 6 years of my working life in an organization that couldn’t have anything less to do with the institution of music. i am glad that i told him my plans over subsequent lessons… i have had many inspiring teachers over the years since i was opened up to the professional performing world, and i would have to say that my current one could have been the best one i ever had. i am thankful to have such a teacher to grace my music and guide me down this weird path towards nowhere. this path that does not lead to professional musicianship…neither does it lead towards hobby music making.

religion has been something which i had been avoiding for some time. though i had accepted Christ in the 2nd half of 2007, i have to say that i wasn’t the best of Christians in 2008… not going to church for over a year and all.. things are really complicated and i have to admit that there is a part of me which is Christian, yet there is an overpowering part of me which is aethist. i hope that i can be guided to the right path through any means… and all i need is time.

~ by chio on January 3, 2009.